Beholden
by JadeSelena
Summary: Post Sailor Moon S Usagi/Haruka angst. Established Usagi/Mamoru Haruka/Michiru. Chapter 1: After a brief secret romance with Haruka, Usagi is having a hard time letting go. Chapter 2: Haruka's POV on the relationship and why it came to an end. Ship is Usagi/Haruka. NOTE: I changed the title of the story as it became multi-chapter (the original title became the title of chapter 1).
1. I Try to Forget

**Hello :) This - my first Sailor Moon fic, despite my long-standing obsession - has been sitting on my computer for going on twenty years. While I was always a Serena/Darien fan in the American version, watching the original version kinda destroyed that and sparked my love of Usagi/Haruka. I know it's not a conventional or well-liked pairing as they both have their respective true loves, and I normally don't write F/F, but this idea got a hold of me and I couldn't not write it. And now, twenty years later, I was struck with the need to share it in case someone else would appreciate it as I do.**

 **It is a song fic (Shania Twain's It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing) as the lyrics set the tone perfectly I believe, but feel free to skip over the bolded paragraphs if that's not your thing.**

 **Bold sections are song, italics are flashbacks.**

 **I own nothing except the idea (which hopefully has not been done before). Set after the events of Sailor Moon S.**

* * *

 **Hope life's been good to you  
since you've been gone  
I'm doin' fine now-I've finally moved on  
It's not so bad-I'm not that sad  
**

Usagi sat on a bench overlooking the river – knees pulled up to her chest and long hair shadowing her solemn face – as she covertly spied on the pair standing not twenty feet away. They looked the perfect couple, she had to admit, leaning closely together over the pier; the taller of the two brushing a wind-blown hair back from her companion's smiling face, the other girl's cheeks rosy from the affections and the breeze coming off the water. And as though the scene before her wasn't torment _enough_ a soft peal of laughter floated across the distance to assault Usagi's burning ears. She wondered at how easily it prompted a burning in her eyes; how that one sound could echo through her mind so loudly she thought her head might explode from the pressure. But she knew the answer; knew it all too well, in fact. Felt it in every fiber of her being. Because not so long ago, however inappropriately, the attention had been hers to bask in and the same melody had drifted from her own lips. _Once_ , before her world had been shattered and along with it her heart…

" _Ruka-chan, where are you taking me?" Usagi huffed as she stopped to rest, doubled over with her hands on her knees. "Why are we climbing the mountain?"_

 _Looking back at her Haruka (somewhat) patiently explained, "Because we have an anniversary to celebrate, Odango…"_

 _Usagi didn't even think to take offence at the old unwelcome nickname, too shocked by the mention of an anniversary. "Anniversary of what?" It came out as a grunt as her friend tugged her hand to get her going again._

" _You're so inquisitive," Haruka chastised, her tone affectionate. It wasn't long before they'd reached their destination and she pulled Usagi to a stop. "Anniversary of the first time we fought together, Koneko-chan. Or don't you remember?" Stepping aside she revealed the cave they had hidden in the year before._

" _The tire daimohn,_ _"_ _Usagi whispered in awe, recalling the battle. "I didn't think you would remember, Ruka-chan." Not when Mamoru didn't even remember their first kiss, and "It's not like we're dating or anything…" A bright blush rose to her cheeks when she realized she'd said that aloud._

 _Haruka tightened her grip, preventing the younger girl from fleeing in embarrassment, and graced her with a sweet smile. "Just come on; stop being so stubborn."_

 _Reluctantly following her into the cave Usagi was amazed to find a picnic set up at the spot where they'd first crouched, Sailors Moon and Uranus still unaware of each other's true identities, and resenting the fact that they'd been handcuffed to each other. "Ruka-chan, it's beautiful!" She worked her hand free to kneel on the blanket and examine their lunch, 'ooh'ing and 'aah'ing at the selection._

" _Satisfied?" Haruka chuckled, sitting next to her and removing an errant pigtail from a container._

 _Usagi stopped her investigation to look into the sandy-haired senshi's eyes. "You didn't have to do this, Ruka-chan. Not that I don't appreciate it..." She trailed off when Haruka reached out and cupped her chin._

 _"I know I didn't have to…" the older girl whispered, "I *_ _wanted*_ _to."_

 _She looked off into the shadows then, as though remembering, and Usagi let her contemplate in silence._

" _You taught me something here that day, though I didn't allow myself to fully believe it until after you had stopped the Silence *_ _and*_ _saved Saturn…" When she turned back to Usagi her irises had darkened and her voice was hoarse. "You taught me that showing compassion doesn't mean you're weak. That you can be a fighter... have a mission… and still be gentle, the way you were with me when I was wounded…"_

" _I did?" Usagi breathed past the lump in her throat. "I'm so glad."_

 _Haruka nodded, tracing her fingers lightly over Usagi's jaw. "I never finished what I started to say that day. That being there with you like that... that being *_ _with*_ _you... you made me want to be a better person, Koneko-chan."_

 _Usagi placed a hand over the one on her cheek, her lips pursed in a surprised 'o'. Holding her friend's intense stare she smiled a guilty smile, cursing herself for feeling the same attraction she'd felt that day and many times before and since._

 **I'm not surprised just how well I survived  
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive  
I can't complain-I'm free again**

From the moment they'd first met in the Crown Arcade Usagi had been undeniably intrigued by the enigma that was Haruka Tenoh. At first she had attributed it to the reaction of a typical teenage girl to an older, very handsome boy, and that Minako would feel the same had only confirmed her thoughts: before them stood a fine specimen of man that was most definitely drool-worthy. And when they'd started stalking the talented racer, well, Usagi had told herself she was just doing it for her friend and _not_ because she needed to know more about the mysterious guy that had suddenly walked into their arcade and their lives. And when it was discovered that Haruka was in fact a girl (and quite obviously involved with the girl called Michiru), Usagi had laughed off her initial attraction and resumed life as usual…

But as time went on and she began seeing more and more of the sandy-haired beauty she came to resent the constant presence of the _teal_ -haired beauty. She would look at Michiru and envy her grace, her serenity, her _perfection_ ; hate herself for not being in possession of any of those things. Afterwards she would wonder how anyone could possibly adore her the way Michiru was adored; would think of Mamoru and how they got along best when they were in the middle of a crisis – that as plain old clumsy Usagi she seemed mostly to embarrass and exasperate him – and she'd get an awful feeling that he was only with her because destiny dictated it. She would ask herself if that was the way she wanted to live her life: loved only for who she would eventually become and tolerated for all the things she wasn't. It made her realize anew that it didn't really matter _what_ she wanted, and on those nights – when the sense of being trapped was overwhelming – she would send Luna to visit Artemis and Minako because she knew she would cry herself to sleep.

 **And it only hurts when I'm breathing  
My heart only breaks when it's beating  
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming  
So, I hold my breath-to forget**

 _Usagi snuggled closer into the crook of Haruka's arm as she pulled the picnic blanket tighter around them; chanced a look at her new lover's face and blushed as she thought of what they had just done. "Ruka-chan?" she whispered, daring not to wake her if she'd already fallen asleep. When the older girl failed to respond she began tracing soft patterns on exposed flesh with a nimble finger; grinned victoriously when Haruka opened one eye a slit and peered at her with a raised eyebrow._

" _Nani, Koneko-chan?"_

 _Grin broadening, Usagi propped herself up on an elbow and covered her naked body with her loose hair. "Mmm, I love it when you call me that," she purred as she placed a quick kiss to Haruka's cheek._

Haruka had never made her cry. She had always treated Usagi as an equal, never chastising her for not being smart enough or polite enough or dignified enough; never made her feel stupid or inferior or melodramatic even though everyone else did and it probably would have been warranted. When she'd been upset about something silly Haruka would just listen to her rant then good-naturedly tease her until she was either distracted from her imagined woes or had realized she was being childish. And as strange as it was to have a girl shamelessly flirt with her, it had made Usagi feel precious and desirable.

" _Was there something you wanted to say or was your sole purpose to wake me up?" Haruka growled playfully, turning on her side so that they were facing each other._

 _Usagi realized she'd been lost in thought; had a hard time meeting the other girl_ _'s_ _gaze._

" _What is it, Koneko-chan? You know you can tell me," Haruka encouraged as she brushed Usagi's long hair behind her shoulder._

 _Pulling away from the affectionate touch Usagi stood to gather her clothes from the cave floor. "This can't last, can it? I'm so happy with you…" Glancing back at Haruka where she still lay, only half-covered by the blanket, she sighed, "But Mamoru and Michiru." She shook her head and willed the tears not to fall. "What have we done, Ruka-chan?"_

 _Haruka stood and went to her._

 _Usagi's rushed attempt to dress was halted by strong arms wrapping around her from behind, her clothes falling to the floor as she was spun around. The reality of their betrayal weighing heavily, she pressed her ear against Haruka's chest to listen to the calming sound of her heartbeat. When the other girl's hand snaked into her hair to pull her even closer Usagi couldn't help but marvel at how they always seemed to fall into that position. And how it always felt so *_ _right*_ _…_

" _We'll figure something out, Koneko-chan, just like we usually do," the older senshi promised as she soothingly ran one hand through Usagi's long hair. Using the other to force eye contact she whispered, "Do you trust me?"_

 _Usagi blinked away the tears and nodded. "Hai." If Haruka said it would be all right then it would be; she had no doubt._

 _Moving the hand from Usagi's chin Haruka wiped away the tears that had managed to fall and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "Good. Now come lay with me…"_

 _The clothes and the guilt lay where they had fallen, forgotten._

No, Haruka had never made her cry. Not for being Usagi Tsukino, crybaby klutz extraordinaire, anyway… When Uranus and Neptune had first arrived on the scene Sailor Moon hadn't known _what_ to think of them, her initial run-in with Uranus setting the tone of confusion with an unexpected kiss and an almost offensive warning not to interfere (hello?! it was _her_ city!). They were colder than her own senshi – with a purpose they wouldn't share and a mission they wouldn't fail – and she had never met _anyone_ who straddled the line between good and evil as well as they had. So when she began to suspect their real identities it had hit her hard. She couldn't believe that her kind and playful sandy-haired friend was also the ruthless and bitter senshi of Uranus; wouldn't _truly_ believe it until she'd seen them transform with her own eyes. She'd hoped it was a turning point for the three of them, revealing their secret identities to each other in order to save Minako, but instead of strengthening their bond as senshi it had destroyed it; because Sailor Moon had refused to allow innocents to be sacrificed in the war against the Death Busters and the Silence, their budding friendship became the ultimate casualty. Usagi had thought it ironic, that where most people preferred her alter-ego it was that aspect of her personality that had turned them against her, and their vehement declarations that she was too immature and idealistic to trust with the fate of the world had devastated her, not only because she valued their opinion but because she couldn't say with absolute certainty that they were _wrong_. And on those nights – when she was so debilitated by self-doubt that the tears wouldn't come – Luna had cried _for_ her, swearing she would take away the burden of leadership if she could.

 **Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night  
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right  
I've never looked back-as a matter of fact **

But it had all worked out in the end, the world saved without anyone being sacrificed, Sailor Moon earning the loyalty and respect of the Outer Senshi. It was their friendship Usagi had wanted, though, so she'd asked them to stay in Tokyo, at least until she could be sure that it was back on track. That's what she'd told herself, anyway, ignoring the beat her heart skipped when Haruka smiled her agreement.

 _No_ , Haruka had never made her cry for being Usagi Tsukino. Until now…

Usagi's fingers traced her lips where she could still imagine Haruka's pressed against them, watching in horrified silence as Michiru rose on her tiptoes and drew Haruka's face down for her own gentle kiss. Each time she cried over the tall short-haired senshi she swore to herself it would be the last, but she was hardly surprised to find herself wiping tears from her flaming cheeks. Turning away from the private moment she tried to come up with an explanation that would disprove what she knew to be the truth: that Haruka and Michiru loved each other. And why shouldn't they? They were destined to be together just as Usagi and Mamoru were. The future queen of Crystal Tokyo could accept that as she had accepted the future she didn't necessarily want. But then why did it hurt so much? Why did it feel as though the breath was being stolen from her lungs and the life from her body? She would have her heart crystal stolen from her chest a million times more if it meant she would never have to feel this way again. Yet she sat there still, torturing herself with what was and what might have been. Why couldn't she tear her eyes away? Walk away from what she knew would only cause her pain? Because the pain was the only thing that assured her she was still alive. The pain was all she had left of a love she had cherished and watched fall to pieces around her. And still she clutched at the shards of what she had lost and cut herself with every movement. Just. To. Feel. All she wanted was to feel…

 **And it only hurts when I'm breathing  
My heart only breaks when it's beating  
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming  
**

Usagi sighed and cursed her eternal life. Would she feel this way forever? Would the hole left in her heart ache each time she saw her? A heartache she couldn't even share with her friends? Balling her hands into fists in her lap she struggled for air that just wouldn't come. She felt as though she was drowning and the only one who could save her had chosen to save another. Glaring at the silhouettes of her fellow senshi, Usagi forced herself to breathe naturally and calm her wildly racing heart. 'I won't let her do this to me,' she thought stubbornly. 'I won't.'

 **So, I hold my breath-to forget**

Usagi flinched when she realized that the objects of her thoughts were coming towards her. Wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve she plastered on a smile that could light a room and stood to greet them. "Haruka-san! Michiru-san! What are you two doing out here so late?"

"Usagi," Michiru nodded her greeting.

"I would ask the same thing of you, Koneko-chan," Haruka countered with a smile. "It's not safe for a girl like you to be out so late alone in Tokyo."

Usagi couldn't help but feel she was being mocked with the familiar nickname – once so welcome and now so painful. Did they talk about her? Giggle about the school-girl crush she feared was written all over her face whenever they met? Cringing inwardly at how obvious and childish she must seem to them both she lashed out, crystal blue eyes blazing with hurt. "I'm not _alone_ if you must know; Mamo-chan is meeting me any minute now and he's taking me for ice-cream…" Had it been anyone but Haruka she would have stuck out her tongue for good measure.

"She didn't mean anything by it, Usagi," Michiru interceded softly, lacing her arm through her girfriend's. "You know she's just teasing the way she usually does…"

Haruka nodded. "I didn't mean anything by it…"

It seemed to Usagi there was a harsher _hidden_ meaning there… She nodded back, not trusting her voice to be level should she use it.

Tugging on Haruka's arm Michiru began to walk away. "We have to go now… I hope Mamoru doesn't keep you waiting too long."

Usagi swallowed the sorrow; forced a cheery, "Good night!"

"Good night, Usagi," they echoed.

When Haruka looked back Usagi avoided her gaze, certain it was filled with disdain. Or maybe pity… She waited until they were out of sight before slumping back onto the bench and hiding her face in her hands. Why did everything have to be so _hard_? _  
_

 **It only hurts when I breathe**

 **Mmm, no, I've never looked back-  
as a matter fact  
**

 _Usagi placed a soft kiss to her secret lover's shoulder; let out a content sigh. "Mmm. I wish we could stay like this forever…"_

 _Pulling away Haruka moved to sit at the edge of the bed. "Koneko-chan, we need to talk…"_

" _Ugh!" Usagi groaned, "What did I do now?"_

" _You didn't do anything. It's just…"_

 _She trailed off, turning away to stare out the window, and Usagi's heart dropped into her stomach with dread._

" _We can't be together anymore. It's not right…"_

 _Usagi hustled up to sit next to her, tugging on her arm until their gazes met. "Is it my scores? I know I haven't been spending as much time on my studies as I should be…" When the other girl shook her head she implored, "Just tell me what I did and I won't do it again. I *_ _promise*_ _!"_

 _Haruka stood to pace in front of her. "It's not you, Koneko-chan. It's just… You need to go back to Mamoru. It's where you belong."_

" _How can you say that?!" Going to her side Usagi grabbed her hand to stop the pacing; raised it to her chest and placed it over her heart. "This is where I belong, Ruka-chan! With you! Can't you feel it?"_

" _I don't feel *_ _anything*_ _…" Haruka shook free of Usagi's grasp and stepped back. "…except the need for you to leave. Michiru will be home soon."_

" _You're just teasing, right?!" Usagi's face crumbled at the cruelty she'd never thought to suffer again – not from *_ _her*_ _– and hot tears began to pool in her eyes. "Why are you doing this?! You said you…" Her voice cracked; fell to a hoarse whisper: "You said you *_ _love*_ _me!"_

 _Haruka's tone was flat. Indifferent. "I was mistaken; caught up in your adoration. I love Michiru."_

" _No…" Usagi shook her head in denial._

"* _Yes*_ _!" Bending to pick Usagi's clothes from the floor Haruka thrust them into her arms and turned back to the window. "And you love Mamoru. That's how it was meant to be and that's how it *_ _is*_ _; you have to accept that."_

 _Clutching her arm Usagi swore, "But I don't *_ _want*_ _to, Ruka-chan! I want to be with *_ _you*_ _!"_

" _Baka!" Haruka spun around, almost knocking Usagi to the ground. "Listen for once in your life: I don't *_ _want*_ _you!"_

 _Usagi stumbled backwards – as much from the vicious words as from the sudden movement – and quickly dressed, feeling confused and exploited and utterly exposed. "Ruka…"_

" _You have to leave, Usagi." As soon as she'd put on her shoes Haruka pushed her into the living room. "I don't want Michiru to find you here…"_

 _The harsh unfamiliar use of her name had Usagi nodding her tearful acquiescence, defeated. "You can make me go…" She retrieved her bag from where she'd tossed it earlier in her delight to be there – marveled at how much had changed in an hour – and opened the apartment door. "…but you can't make me stop loving you…"_

 **And it only hurts when I'm breathing  
My heart only breaks when it's beating  
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming  
So, I hold my breath-to forget  
**

A hand on her shoulder brought Usagi out of her reverie. "Ruka-chan?" she whispered as she turned around.

"No, it's me," Mamoru corrected, helping her to stand. "Sorry I'm so late; we were busy at work so they asked me to stay longer. Did I miss anything?"

Usagi hid her disappointment; made a show of thinking about his question with a finger on her lips before shaking her head in the negative. "Nope. Nothing new."

"Shall we go, then, Usako?" He held out his arm for her to take. "Get that sundae I promised you?"

She dazzled him with a radiant (if half-hearted) smile and accepted the arm and a kiss to her cheek. "Chocolate?"

Beginning the trek to the ice cream shop he offered, "Whatever you want…"

Usagi's smile faltered, then faded altogether, as she stared at his profile: his not quite high enough cheekbones, his too dark features. 'I wish you could give it to me, Mamo-chan,' she thought, suppressing a shiver.

"You're cold…" Mamoru took off his jacket and placed it around her sagging shoulders, then gave her petite form a gentle squeeze. "Better?"

Looking up into his expectant face Usagi could only nod numbly.

 **Hurts when I'm breathing  
Breaks when it's beating  
Die when I'm dreaming  
**

She didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't the cold that had caused her to shiver.

 **It only hurts when I breathe**

* * *

 **So there it is - I hope you enjoyed it!**

 **There is possibly a follow-up from Haruka's POV if anyone is interested ;)**


	2. You Came to Me

**This chapter/part is also a song fic (Garbage's A Stroke of Luck), but feel free to skip over the bolded paragraphs if that's not your thing.**

 **Bold sections are song, italics are flashbacks.**

 **I own nothing except the idea. Set after the events of Sailor Moon S.**

* * *

 **Hanging by threads of palest silver  
I could have stayed that way forever  
Bad blood and ghosts wrapped tight around me  
Nothing could ever seem to touch me  
** _  
_Though her body lay unmoving in the bed she shared with her lover, Haruka's mind was racing. The look on Usagi's face upon hearing 'Koneko' pained her to recall. Unfortunate then that it was burned into her mind's eye… She hadn't meant to use the old nickname – it had slipped. Just as her alter-ego had slipped earlier in the week when she'd reached out to a wounded Sailor Moon after a particularly nasty battle. The flinch she'd received in response had made her feel dirty, tainted, and unworthy; feelings she'd come to accept in the weeks since she'd ended their secret relationship. A relationship that never should have happened. That never _would_ have happened if she'd kept her guard up… But who would have thought that a clumsy emotional wreck like Odango Atama could have wormed her way into a heart turned to stone by duty?

 **I lose what I love most  
Did you know I was lost until you found me?  
** _  
_Before Usagi there were only two things in the universe that had meant anything to Haruka: Michiru and the mission. And still she would have sacrificed the former in the name of the latter in an instant if she'd had to. Not without remorse or unbearable pain, no, but she would have done it all the same. Almost _had_ a few times… Before Usagi, Haruka had hidden behind the mission as an excuse to not make friends, to not be a part of something outside of it, to not truly live or _dream_ anymore. But the younger girl's lack of restraint had been refreshing, her enthusiasm amusing, and her laughter contagious. So very different from their battle-hardened souls – so very _fascinating_. Possessed of unapologetic cheer and an untouched innocence, Haruka had been certain the most difficult thing Odango Atama had ever endured was a broken nail or not being asked to the dance, and she'd found herself strangely protective of the girl. When Usagi became the newest target of the Death Busters ignoring that instinct – standing by and watching the pure heart be taken – had been far worse than abandoning Michiru, because where they were warriors dedicated to the cause, sweet never-hurt-a-fly bun-head deserved that fate less than anyone they knew. Worse even than with the other pure-hearted victims, for reasons Haruka wouldn't allow herself to contemplate. Michiru had known, though; Michiru knew her better than she knew herself most times. She knew Michiru knew because earlier that day when Haruka had asked Usagi if the breakup with Mamoru meant she was available, Michiru had been quick to point out that it was a joke, but when Haruka had followed up with a declaration of fondness for the girl Michiru had been tellingly silent. Haruka _knew_ Michiru knew by the sheer number of times Neptune had asked Uranus if she'd be able to let their innocent friend die in the name of the mission; each time the response had been a resigned 'yes' (and she'd meant it), but the sandy-haired senshi had never been more grateful for anything than she had been for being able to pronounce the trip a waste and carefully return the girl's crystal to her chest.

 **A stroke of luck or a gift from God?  
The hand of fate or devil's claws?  
From below or saints above?  
You came to me**

Yes, Michiru had known – probably even before Haruka herself had – that the sandy-haired girl had developed quite the soft spot for the bun-headed junior, once making a seemingly offhand remark about her affectionate nicknames for the girl. As much as Michiru was Haruka's soul mate – her comrade at arms cut from the same cloth – Usagi was the flip side of her coin, tempting as much for what she _wasn't_ as for what she was: she wasn't cold, or jaded; she wasn't torn down or disheartened by the darkness in the world around her. Which was why when they had witnessed Usagi transform into Sailor Moon – the one constant thorn in their sides since they'd accepted their mission – Haruka had been shocked. Not only that Usagi Tsukino, notorious for her laziness and klutziness, could be the moon princess and protector of Tokyo, but also that someone whose daily life consisted of leading her troops into battle against forces of evil could remain so pure and optimistic and compassionate. Was Usagi too naïve to understand the magnitude of what was at stake? Or did she simply believe herself to be so powerful that she could never fail?

 **Here comes the cold again  
I feel it closing in  
It's falling down and  
All around me falling**

" _Everyone lives by stepping upon someone else," Haruka spoke as she drove, watching their young passenger in the rearview._

" _Don't you think so, Usagi?" inquired Michiru._

 _Usagi shook her head in denial. "But… the people doing the stepping might be fine with that, but what about the people who are getting stepped on?! Shouldn't you think about the people who are being sacrificed?! I can't ignore other people suffering just to save myself!" She took a breath and added, "It might be impossible for me alone but if we all joined forces we'd be able to find a way to avoid sacrificing anyone! I'm sure of it!"_

 _Michiru's voice was sad, almost pitying. "Usagi, you're a kind girl…"_

 _Haruka kept her eyes on the blonde, wondering whether to condemn her her naiveté or admire her her determination. Unable to decide, the older girl turned back to the road with a small smile gracing her lips._

No, not her alone, Haruka had realized, replaying that conversation in her head after the reveal. Usagi believed that _together_ they could overcome all obstacles, even the Messiah of Silence, without any loss of life. At that point Haruka had had to deem her at best utterly delusional and at _worst_ dangerously reckless, given that she was Sailor Moon and should have known better, and suddenly the same qualities that had initially drawn her to the girl had become cause for scorn and ridicule. Two leaders, same mission, but two very different approaches. Sailor Moon had challenged Uranus, renounced her methods and declared them cruel, and in the end had been proven right to. Even without the ability to transform, even after everything the Outer Senshi had done to her, Usagi had not hesitated to rush in and save them and their talismans. And when meeting the Messiah of Silence she had put the fate of the world in her trust that goodness would triumph over evil. Had forged ahead on her own while Neptune and Uranus had screamed themselves hoarse at her and her stupidity. But it hadn't stopped her – Haruka was beginning to think nothing ever _could_ – and she'd risked her own life to save the world and Saturn on _her_ terms. In _her_ way. And when she'd reemerged from Pharaoh 90 with a newborn Hotaru, exhausted but victorious, Haruka had finally understood how that tiny slip of a girl, even with her many failings, could be the Messiah of Peace, the future queen of Crystal Tokyo, and leader to them all.

 **You say that you'll be there to catch me  
Or will you only try to trap me  
These are the rules I make  
Our chains were meant to break  
You'll never change me  
**

Not only had their future queen saved Saturn and the world from succumbing to the darkness, but her infuriating idealism had saved the Outer Senshi from it as well, earning their respect, their loyalty, and, unintentionally, another piece of Haruka's heart. So when she'd asked them to stay – just in case there was some residual clean-up to be done – Haruka had agreed, if for no other reason than to salvage what remained of the friendships that had so profoundly suffered throughout their quests for the Grail and the Messiah. Except that what should have been a short stay had turned into months, extended for every minor villain that appeared, and what was supposed to be a mentor/mentee relationship (truth be told it was unclear who had ended up teaching whom more) had turned into something deeper. The older girl hadn't meant it to – really, she hadn't – but the more time she spent with Usagi, both on the battlefield and off, the more she came to admire and covet her. Still, for all the flirting and teasing she never would have turned it physical. Or _romantic_.

 _It was meant to be a 'thank you for not giving up on me' picnic, nothing more (what better way to thank Usagi than with food?), but when the younger girl's lids fluttered closed Haruka found herself wanting to claim her lips once more, this time without the touch of menace that had laced their first kiss. She wondered if Usagi Tsukino would kiss the same as Sailor Moon had, or if it would be softer, like the girl behind the warrior. A pink tongue darting out to moisten expectant lips destroyed the last of Haruka's self-control and she closed the distance to find out. It was meant to be a quick experiment (merely to see if she kissed differently out of character), but when the other girl's hand moved to cup Haruka's cheek it was like ten thousand pounds of pressure holding her in place, despite the touch being feather-light. And when Usagi scooted closer, practically into her lap but still hesitant, Haruka couldn't have stopped even if she'd wanted to. She *did* want to, her brain screamed. She *had* to. If she stopped now she could play it off as a mistake; as getting caught up in the moment. It took every ounce of willpower she had, and telling herself that she could have just ruined the friendship they'd worked so hard to rebuild, to finally manage to pull back, somewhat breathless, to look into widened eyes. "Kon…"_

" _Shhh!"_

 _Before Haruka could protest she was being kissed again, her face sandwiched between determined palms. It was less tentative now, more eager, and just a little bit sloppy. But she didn't care, the experience infinitely more charming than unpleasant. She began to guide the younger girl, setting the pace with gentle urgings until Usagi caught on and followed her lead. When the contact was broken minutes later she was almost bereft._

" _I want you to show me," Usagi whispered, half statement, half plea._

" _Show you what, Koneko-chan?" It wouldn't matter, though; Haruka wouldn't even think to deny her, not with her gaze both cloudy and hopeful._

" _You know," the girl began, her cheeks turning a bright red. "…Everything."_

 _It was thoroughly unexpected and wholly endearing and at that moment Haruka could think of nothing she wanted more. Couldn't think of a single reason *not to*. Still… "Are you certain, Koneko-chan?"_

 _Usagi gave a sharp nod. "Hai!"_

 _Haruka knew just how certain she was when the food was pushed from the blanket, untouched._

Infinitely more certain than Haruka had been afterwards when she'd promised that they'd figure it out. She hadn't really known that everything would be okay; had only known that they'd crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed. That there was no going back and that she didn't even want to. She knew that she should probably wish that she could _take_ it back, but couldn't even bring herself to do that much. And for the months it had lasted it had been worth it. Despite the secrecy because no one would understand (and they didn't really need to) and living in denial because somewhere deep down she'd known it would have to end. They'd never talked about Michiru or Mamoru again (wouldn't invite the guilt), and avoided the topic of the future because its mere mention had the power to break the spell they were happily under. All the hiding and eluding wouldn't matter, though; reality would find them and shatter their perfect fantasy world soon enough.

 **Here comes the cold again  
I feel it closing in  
You're falling down and  
All around me falling**

"Haruka?"

Haruka realized she'd moved to the window in her musings, and turned away from the lights outside to see Michiru sitting up in their bed, looking perfect as always even roused from sleep. "Hmm?"

Pulling her knees up to her chest Michiru rested her chin between them. "What are you contemplating so seriously?"

How badly Haruka wanted to confess her sins, both against Michiru and Usagi, but she knew it would only be to ease her own guilt, an attempt to lessen the pain. "Oh, you know me – always weeping the state of affairs."

Michiru tilted her head in consideration; offered, "Do you want to share them with me? Lighten the load?"

"I don't deserve it to be lightened," Haruka whispered painfully.

Rising gracefully from the mattress Michiru went to sit across from her lover. "If you didn't deserve it I wouldn't still be here."  
Haruka's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

Even Michiru's scoff was elegant. "I think you forget how well I know you." She put a sympathetic hand on Haruka's leg. "It's not getting better, is it?"

"What isn't?" Playing dumb seemed to be the best course of action at this point.

Michiru let out a sad sigh. "Oh, Haruka. Do you really think me so blind? I know you are in love with her."

Haruka tried and failed to cover her surprise. "Why didn't you say something?"

"What would I have said?" Michiru shrugged. "We've been through too much together to let this come between us. I know it doesn't mean you love me any less."

"Gomen." Haruka didn't know what else she could possibly say.

Michiru shook her head, teal locks swaying. "Don't be sorry for loving us both – your big heart, hidden as it may be, is why I love you."

Haruka took a shuddering breath in preparation of coming clean. "I didn't _only_ love her, Michiru." She cursed herself for the pretty grimace her words had evoked.

Reclaiming her hand Michiru settled it in her own lap. "Yes, I suspected that as well. Though for many reasons, I'd hoped you to know better…"

"I did know better," Haruka admitted, eyes begging her companion to not hate her. "But I…"

"I understand," Michiru interrupted, tone worryingly even. "She is our princess and you're drawn to her." Her lips formed a sad smile. "You always were more protective of her than the others."

'Always' meant as far back as the Silver Millenium, Haruka knew, and there was no point in denying it.

Michiru turned to look out the window. "Maybe if it were anyone else…"

Haruka suspected she'd been about to say she would be less forgiving; knew she'd trailed off because she'd realized if Usagi _had_ been anyone else, if she wasn't who she was, or more specifically who she _would be_ , then they would quite possibly be having a different conversation.

 **Stroke of luck or a gift from God?  
Hand of fate or devil's claws?  
From below or saints above?  
You come to me now**

 _Usagi hopped off the motorcycle and removed her helmet with a groan. "Ugh – I'm so late. *Again.* Rei is going to kill me."_

 _When she failed to move Haruka removed her own helmet, prompting, "Go, Koneko-chan. I'll see you tomorrow."_

" _But I don't *want* to study," Usagi argued with a plaintive hand on Haruka's chest. "I'd much rather be with you."_

 _Haruka ignored the adorable pout of her lips; smiled. "So would I. But I have to get home and you need to pass school eventually." Lifting an eyebrow she teased, "Flunking out doesn't look very good on a queen's résumé."_

 _The pout deepened. "You're so mean to me, Ruka-chan."_

" _You know that's not true," Haruka chuckled. "But just in case…" Pulling the girl into her their lips met briefly. "Better?"_

" _Not yet," Usagi shook her head with an overly innocent smile and a lifted finger. "Maybe *one* more…"_

 _Haruka couldn't help but laugh. "Go, Koneko-chan." Making sure no one was spying she gave her one last kiss, a tad longer and more passionate, then nudged her towards the temple; watched in amusement as her love bounded up the steps and paused at the top to wave before disappearing inside. In the process of putting her helmet back on Haruka stopped, seeing a flash of familiar green through the trees, and dismounted her motorcycle to follow the figure; was at once unfazed and yet devastated to come upon Setsuna, wearing a look that clearly said it was not a social visit. "What are you doing here?" She hadn't meant for her tone to be so accusatory._

 _Setsuna gave her friend a sad smile. "Haruka, we need to talk."_

" _No," Haruka refused, as though she had a choice. She should have known that the senshi of time and space would find out eventually, though somehow in all the ways she'd thought this could go wrong Pluto's interference hadn't even made the list._

" _You have to know that what you're doing can't go on, Haruka. You're changing the future." Setsuna's tone was light but the words couldn't have held more weight._

" _We're going to stop. Just not now." It sounded a lame excuse, even to Haruka's own ears._

" _Do you really think you'll be able to?" Setsuna wondered, not unkindly. "The longer you continue the harder it will be. For you both."_

 _Haruka couldn't argue – all the times she'd sworn she'd put a stop to it but could never seem to find the motivation. Always putting it off to 'tomorrow.'_

 _Setsuna sighed. "She is young and naïve, Haruka, and you are giving her what she thinks she wants."_

" _Are you saying she doesn't really love me?" Haruka demanded, her voice betraying an undercurrent of anger._

" _I am saying she doesn't understand the consequences of her actions," Setsuna soothed. "If she did – if she knew the risk she was taking with the future – she wouldn't be doing it. No matter *how much* she loves you."_

 _Haruka ran a hand through her hair; feebly claimed, "You don't know that."_

" _Yes, I do." Pulling a letter from within her clothes Setsuna handed it to her friend. "And you may not want to acknowledge it but you know it, too."_

" _What's this?" Haruka asked, though she had strong and sinking suspicions. If it was possible her friend's smile had grown even more sad._

" _I'll give you a minute."_

 _The green-haired beauty disappeared in a flash and Haruka spent the minute just gathering up her courage to unfold the paper. When she finally did her worst fears were confirmed, the messy scrawl immediately recognizable._

 _~My dearest Ruka-chan. This letter is the hardest thing I've ever had to write, with you sleeping beside me, unaware but still restless, as though you somehow sense what I am doing. Harder still than my exit exams (which I do pass by the way, thanks to Ami. She really is a miracle worker!). But I'm getting off track. First, I want you to know that I don't regret a second we spent together all these years past. It's what makes it so hard to put these words to parchment now. But we were wrong – we didn't figure it out. I was wrong, thinking our love could overcome whatever stood in our way. For all the times love and hope saved the world, our love wasn't able to save Earth or the future of the Moon Kingdom. The people suffer. The universe suffers. I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty – Don't! Because of you I know more happiness than I have any right to with all the pain I've caused my people – but so you understand why I have to ask this of you at all. I need you to walk away from me, my love. It's unfair of me to put this on you, I know, but I need you to be strong where I cannot be. I can barely bring myself to finish this letter, so I know my love-struck teenaged self would never be able to do what needs to be done. Would never believe that loving you could ever lead to anything but happiness and peace. It's selfish, too, because I could have sent Pluto back to before we came to mean so much to each other. But I want to be able to keep the memory of you loving me. If I can't have you, I need to at least have that. As much as I may hate you for making me question it, our brief time together is a memory I will always cherish. Which brings me to my next request: don't tell me why you're doing it – you know I'll only kick up a Tokyo-sized storm and find a way to convince you that I can change what is predestined. I can't. I've tried. Oh, how I've tried. And there is only so long I can put our love above my people before I have to face the heartbreaking reality that I cannot have – or save – both… Anyway, finally and most important, I need you to remember that even though I will be with Endymion my heart will be with you. Always and forever. I hope you never doubt that. With a love deeper than even I ever thought possible, your koneko.~_

 _The ink was smudged in various places, mostly near the end, making it harder to read and even harder still to ignore Serenity's pain. Haruka willed her own tears not to fall. "Setsuna!"_

 _Setsuna slowly reemerged from the trees._

" _How can the future change so much?" Haruka could hardly believe it. Not the part where she and Usagi had remained together (surprisingly, that surprised her not at all), but that it would be detrimental to the fate of the world. The knowledge was, to say the least, bittersweet._

" _Usagi altered its course when she asked you and Michiru to stay…" Setsuna reclaimed the letter and made it disappear. "You, when you agreed. There are multiple possible outcomes, like a path forking again and again."_

 _They weren't meant to spend enough time together to fall in love, Haruka deciphered. "But how did it get so *bad*?"_

 _Setsuna looked to the sky, then back to her friend. "The path you're on now, she doesn't become the Earth's sovereign and savior when she's supposed to."_

" _I would never stop her from protecting Earth," Haruka denied with a shake of her head._

 _With a shake of her own head Setsuna revealed, "You don't. But the world's rulers don't unite under her guidance as they were meant to."_

 _Haruka gave an angry snort. "Because of me?"_

" _It may be the future but many people are still not ready to welcome a woman leader, much less…" Setsuna paused, then began anew. "She's more acceptable a regent to them with Endymion by her side; they can pretend it is him they follow. And without her leadership to direct them, wars continue and the people suffer."_

 _Despite the rephrasing Haruka knew exactly what she meant. "There's always been war – why should we pay for other people's misogyny and bigotry?"_

" _You shouldn't, and at one time you convinced Serenity that that was their choice." Setsuna's gaze became troubled. "But there will be an attack from outside the galaxy, and by the time everyone decides to set their feelings and differences aside and submit to her command it will be too late."_

 _That could only mean one thing but Haruka couldn't help but breathe, "Earth is destroyed?"_

 _Setsuna held up a hand. "I've already said more than I should have."_

" _What if I refuse? If they're so closed-minded and hateful maybe they deserve to die." Suddenly Uranus wasn't feeling so charitable towards the world she'd sworn to protect; the world the Sailor Senshi had already risked their lives on multiple occasions to save._

" _I asked Serenity that same question, and as you know her well enough to know why she has decided to forsake her own happiness, she knows you." Setsuna smiled softly, a hint of amusement. "She said that after all of your misguided attempts you wouldn't pass up the chance to *actually* save the world. She's been teasing you about that for years."_

 _Haruka couldn't help the sad smile that played on her lips; suspected that Serenity *also* knew that she could refuse her koneko nothing._

 **Don't ask me why  
Don't even try**

 **A stroke of luck or a gift from God?  
The hand of fate or devil's claws?  
From below or saints above?  
You came to me  
**

Haruka couldn't share that with anyone, though, lest it disrupt anew the course she'd reluctantly corrected, blinking Chibiusa out of existence once more. Haruka held onto that, the only tangible evidence that she'd done the right thing; watching Usagi and her future daughter the one salve that could lessen the ache in Uranus' heart over all she'd given up.

"Haruka?"

Blinking out of her thoughts Haruka met Michiru's pained eyes.

"Perhaps it is time we should go," Michiru suggested softly.

Every part of Haruka balked at the idea. "I can't just leave her. She needs us."

Michiru shook her head. "She has the others. You are not doing her - or yourself - any favors by staying. The wound cannot heal if it is constantly being reopened by seeing each other."

Haruka wondered if Michiru would be so kind and understanding if she knew that the affair had only ended because Serenity had requested it. That every day Haruka mourned a future she'd been teased with but would never get to have, and the light in Usagi's eyes that she was responsible for dimming…

 **Here comes the cold again  
I feel it closing in**

 _Haruka lay in bed, wrapped around Usagi, cursing herself for not having had the strength to follow through. She'd invited the girl over to do in private as Serenity had asked, but seeing her on their doorstep – beautifully flushed from running in her eagerness to get there – resolve had faltered. When the petite blonde had immediately launched herself into Haruka's arms, peppering her face with kisses, it had crumbled completely and she'd allowed herself to be led to the bedroom. If the future queen had noticed her companion's watery eyes during their love-making, or the death-grip she was being held in now, she did not mention it._

" _Mmm. I wish we could stay like this forever…"_

 _The words were a harsh and unwelcome reminder of what had to be done. And *why*. Pulling away Haruka moved to sit at the edge of the bed. "Koneko-chan, we need to talk…"_

" _Ugh!" Usagi groaned, "What did I do now?"_

 _If her heart hadn't been in the process of breaking Haruka would have laughed. "You didn't do anything. It's just…" She trailed off, turning away to stare out the window because she couldn't bear to face her young love. "We can't be together anymore. It's not right…" For so many reasons, and yet if not for Serenity's letter Haruka would not have cared about any of them._

 _Usagi hustled up to sit next to her, tugging on her arm until Haruka gave in and their gazes met. "Is it my scores? I know I haven't been spending as much time on my studies as I should be…"_

 _Haruka shook her head, biting her lip to stave off tears._

" _Just tell me what I did and I won't do it again. I *_ _promise*_ _!"_

 _Haruka stood to pace; to distance herself from the devastation she would inflict. "It's not you, Koneko. It's just… You need to go back to Mamoru. It's where you belong." As true as that might have been, they were still close to the hardest words she'd ever had to utter._

" _How can you say that?!" Usagi was suddenly beside her, grabbing her hand and placing it over her heart. "This is where I belong, Ruka-Chan! With you! Can't you feel it?"_

 _All at once Haruka realized that Serenity had been right; that Usagi's idealism and unabashed hope would not allow her to understand why they couldn't be together. Why it would destroy the world rather than protect it. "I don't feel *_ _anything*_ _…" Shaking free of Usagi's grasp Haruka stepped back. "…except the need for you to leave. Michiru will be home soon." The name had its intended effect but the crushed look on the girl's face, the barely restrained tears, made Haruka hate herself. And the Earth's ignorant (and ungrateful) residents for forcing her hand._

" _You're just teasing, right?! Why are you doing this?! You said you…" Usagi's voice cracked; fell to a hoarse whisper: "You said you *_ _love*_ _me!"_

 _Haruka struggled to keep her tone flat, indifferent, when all she wanted to do was assure the girl that she had not been lied to. That in actuality she was *so* loved that Haruka couldn't bear to be the cause of her guilt and pain in the future. "I was mistaken; caught up in your adoration. I love Michiru."_

" _No…" Usagi shook her head in denial._

" _*_ _Yes*_ _!" Bending to pick Usagi's clothes from the floor Haruka thrust them into her arms and turned back to the window so her own tears could fall undetected. "And you love Mamoru. That's how it was meant to be and that's how it *_ _is*_ _; you have to accept that."_

" _But I don't *_ _want*_ _to, Ruka-Chan! I want to be with *_ _you*_ _!"_

 _The hand clutching Haruka's arm felt like fire and she quickly wiped at the tracts on her cheeks. "Baka!" Spinning around she almost accidentally knocked Usagi to the ground. "Listen for once in your life: I don't *_ _want*_ _you!"_

 _Usagi stumbled backwards and began to put on her clothes. "Ruka…"_

" _You have to leave, Usagi." The minutes it took her to dress were agonizing, and once her shoes were on Haruka wasted no time in pushing her into the living room. "I don't want Michiru to find you here…" Couldn't keep up this charade much longer. The girl's submissive nod felt at once like a victory and the worst kind of defeat._

" _You can make me go…" Usagi retrieved her bag from where she'd tossed it earlier and opened the apartment door. "…but you can't make me stop loving you…"_

 _As soon as the door closed behind her Haruka put her fist through the nearest wall – narrowly missing one of Michiru's paintings – before collapsing to her knees._

 **It's falling down and  
All around me falling**

 **Falling, falling**

Maybe Michiru was right about leaving. Because while she was correct that Haruka didn't love her any less than before – nothing could negate their history or them being soul mates – the fact remained that Haruka would have come to willingly reject their providence for their princess; that right now fate seemed not to be a comforting friend but a mocking enemy, holding what she so desperately wanted hostage and just outside her reach. Maybe then the only hope _was_ to put some distance between her and the specter of a love relinquished, so that she would remember _why_ Michiru was her true love and destiny. Drive forever just like they'd planned over a year ago, fall in love all over again, and by the time Haruka had to face Usagi once more she would no longer be devastated by the loss their future queen represented...

 **Falling, falling  
**

As impossible as all that seemed at the moment, Haruka owed it to the girl in front of her to try.

 **Falling, falling.**

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!**

 **This was always meant to be a three-parter with the last part taking place in the future (probably Crystal Tokyo) but I could never decide whether I wanted it to be a less realistic happy ending or keep it morose like the first two parts. Any opinions and/or suggestions are welcome. I never got past writing half of part two back then so it's all up in the air.**


	3. Broken Down Angel

**I know it's taken a while but this is the _longest_ chapter I've ever written. And I'm posting now before constantly rethinking it drives me nuts...**

 **This final chapter/part is also a song fic (Nazareth's Broken Down Angel), but feel free to skip over the bolded paragraphs if that's not your thing.**

 **Bold sections are song, italics are flashbacks.**

 **I own nothing except the idea. Set after the events of Sailor Moon S.**

* * *

Luna balanced on the back of the queen's throne atop the dais, supervising castle staff put finishing touches on the ballroom and tend to the guests. She almost toppled when Pluto suddenly appeared beside her. "Setsuna! I wasn't sure you would come."

"I can travel through time and space," Setsuna teased as she leaned against the feline's perch. "I couldn't very well claim to be busy…"

 _True_. Usagi likely wouldn't have questioned her absence, though; while Pluto was the only one of the outer senshi they ever saw outside of battle, it wasn't with any regularity… Speaking of the others: "Are you alone?"

Setsuna nodded; pretended not to notice the flash of disappointment. "Everything looks beautiful."

Allowing herself an inward sigh, Luna put her focus back on the festivities. "It's a big day. The girls worked hard to plan the perfect surprise party." She waved a paw at Minako, giving last minute instructions to the band, and Makoto, examining the buffet table for anything amiss.

Which could only mean… "The queen is off–planet with just two of her senshi?" Or were Rei and Ami in the back crafting floral arrangements?

The deduction was rife with censure, and Luna almost wished the woman _hadn't_ come if criticism was all she had to offer. "Well, she only _wanted_ two. And she would be _on-_ planet but it's the moon's year this year."

Everyone _knew_ it was the moon's year this year, and where exactly on the moon she'd be, besides – that was the problem. "Luna, I really wish you would talk her out of that silly ritual." If for no other reason than to be able to cease having this conversation they were both clearly so tired of…

"Have you ever tried to talk that girl out of anything?" 'Stubborn' should have been her middle name… "She just wants to spend her birthday with her people, Setsuna. At least she agrees to take guards with her now."

Guards she _still_ abandoned at the first opportunity because their presence made the encounters 'impersonal.' "You know how many enemies she has, Luna, who would stand to gain by her fall and that of Crystal Tokyo. Ridiculous as it may seem to us, there are those who would gladly trade eternal life and security for power." They'd seen it firsthand.

"Which is why she sent Chibiusa back to the twentieth century to have a normal childhood," Luna readily agreed. "She's just not as concerned for her own safety. Never has been." That disregard had saved the world on more than one occasion. Thankfully she'd been reborn with the lives of a cat to compensate…

"It is your duty to _make_ her concerned. Billions of lives depend upon her." Successful or not, the _first_ assassination attempt should have been enough to convince the queen not to announce in advance where her visit would take place. "She needs to be more cautious: if your enemies know where you are, it is unwise to be there."

Luna resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Don't you think I've tried?" She wasn't oblivious to the risks; she just knew which fights were worth having. Not only could Usagi take care of herself, but it would be cruel to deny her of it when love of her people was the only thing that seemed to keep her going on some days. Even more so without her daughter around to preoccupy her. "It's the only way she can make sure those who want to see her are able. 'My life is for them, Luna. It's only fair they get to celebrate it with me.'"

Setsuna blinked at the last part. "Is that a direct quote?"

Luna gave a slow nod. "Don't worry – she doesn't know about the other future. She's just…" Makoto had given the signal and the staff was telling everyone to be quiet. "See? Here she is now, safe and sound." It wasn't long before they could hear bickering through the open terrace doors.

"Rei, I don't understand why you want me to put everything in the…"

"Sheesh, Usagi! Can you just not argue with me for once?!"

"But it doesn't make…"

The room's occupants shouted 'Surprise!' as soon as the queen's entourage had entered from the garden. Serenity dropped the flowers and Sailor Moon doll she was holding, and one of the guards quickly added the fallen presents to the collection in his own arms.

"You don't seem surprised I know," Luna observed as she did Usagi begin to boisterously greet her guests.

"I was fairly certain you did." Setsuna had gathered as much through the various timelines and alternate realities. "What I don't know is _how_."

Well, it hadn't been one of Luna's finest moments… "Usagi was horrible at keeping secrets. When she suddenly 'stopped' spending time with Haruka and started lying – badly – about what she _was_ doing, I began to follow her." Kept an eye on them after she'd seen that their friendship had evolved. "I was waiting outside the shrine that day when you came to speak to Haruka."

Setsuna lifted an eyebrow. "You listened in on our conversation?" It was part question, part accusation.

"I was worried there was a new threat," Luna tersely defended. "Your group wasn't very good at sharing information." Besides, the initial shock of finding out they'd stayed together - and then having to carry the secret around all these years - was punishment enough for the transgression.

That reasoning would have been more appropriate _before_ the Silence, and Setsuna doubted the guardian's motives were quite so innocent. Still, she let it go to note, "You never said anything."

Guilt was a powerful silencer. "I never should have let it get to the point where you had to get involved. I should have put a stop to it as soon as I found out."

Setsuna didn't disagree, though she didn't think it would have been as simple a task as the guardian made it out to be. "Why didn't you?"

Aside from thinking it would quickly run its course? "The year before had been really hard on Usagi, because of entrance exams and Mamoru being in college and the Death Busters and Mistress of Silence and almost losing Chibiusa. She'd begun to lose confidence in _everything_." Her relationship. Her leadership. Her worth in general. "I would've done anything in my power to make it better for her."

"Including allow a relationship that was not meant to happen, continue," Setsuna supplied evenly.

Luna nodded, grateful for the lack of judgment. "With Haruka she was more cheerful and self-assured. More like her old self." And not once during that time had Luna been exiled to Minako's… "I just couldn't be the one to take that away from her."

" _Where have you been so late?" Luna inquired as soon as Usagi entered the bedroom._

" _Oh, I uh…" Usagi paused. "I was doing homework with Naru and Umino." Made a show of blowing up her bangs as though exhausted. "High school. Sheesh."_

 _Even if Luna hadn't just heard the revving of Haruka's motorcycle taking off, she'd practically seen the wheels turning to come up with an excuse; had barely stifled a laugh at the blatant overacting. Evidently they would have to work on Usagi's skills of deception before she became queen, but for now the girl's lack thereof came in useful… "Well, I'm glad to see you're taking your studies so seriously."_

 _Usagi looked appropriately shamed. "I should go check on Chibiusa!"_

 _Luna shook her head, equal amounts amusement and exasperation, as the world's savior (and worst liar) disappeared back into the hallway. She would have to do something about that relationship, she knew, but what she hadn't figured out yet…_

" _She's asleep!" Usagi announced when she returned a few minutes later._

" _Well, her bedtime was over two hours ago," Luna offered wryly, not lifting her chin from her crossed paws._

" _Right!" The blush slowly faded from Usagi's cheeks as she changed into her nightgown and let loose her hair. "Goodnight, Luna."_

" _Goodnight, Usagi-chan." Once her charge had settled in and closed her eyes Luna followed suit._

" _Luna?"_

 _Popping awake, Luna saw that the clock now read 12:37. "Nani, Usagi-chan?"_

" _Do you remember the Silver Millennium?" Usagi's voice carried no trace of sleep._

" _Somewhat. It's like a movie I watched a long time ago or a dream I had: I remember the setting and the people but nothing in great detail except for major events." When she thought of how it had ended Luna was grateful it was no clearer than that._

" _Do you remember me? Usagi followed up._

" _Of course – you were one of the main characters." For Luna, the main character._

 _Usagi shifted onto her side towards the window, her back to Luna. "What was I like?"_

" _Well, you were raised a princess so you were definitely less whimsical," Luna joked._

" _Less immature, you mean," Usagi translated quietly._

 _The dejected tone made Luna frown. Curious as to where this was going, she climbed up to lie on the girl's hip. "You were still willful, and idealistic. But you were more calm. More befitting your name."_

 _Usagi grimaced in the moonlight. "More like someone Mamo-chan would actually want to marry." It was a statement, not a question._

 _All thought of continuing with other differences – like her being less spoiled and more selfless now – fled Luna's mind to make room for confusion. "Why do you say that all of a sudden?" When she was clearly preoccupied with Haruka?_

" _You said it yourself," Usagi answered flatly. "That he probably wouldn't want to marry me as I am."_

" _Usagi-chan…" Luna regretted those words even more, knowing they still weighed on the princess over a year later. "I shouldn't have said that."_

 _Usagi shrugged. "Why not? You were right. He's older and more sophisticated and he's surrounded by girls at school who are the same."_

 _Obviously Queen Serenity hadn't foreseen that an age difference that was irrelevant back then could be so significant now… Her brow knitting in concern, Luna jumped onto the pillow to peer down at her charge. "You'll be like that, too, Usagi-chan. You just need to give it time."_

" _I tried, Luna," Usagi swore. "But how long do I have to wait? When do I get to stop feeling like some child he only puts up with only because destiny says he has to?"_

" _I'm sure he doesn't feel that way," Luna quickly disputed, her heart clenched in sympathy._

" _Maybe not…" Despite the concession Usagi sounded far from convinced. "But do you really believe that if we weren't Neo-Queen Serenity and King Endymion – if we were just Usagi Tsukino and Mamoru Chibi – that he would be dating me?" She swallowed so hard it was audible. "Klutzy cry-baby bottom-of-her-class Odango Atama?"_

 _Luna didn't know what to say to that without being disingenuous, but awkward silence was probably not the response the girl had been hoping for, or at the very least needed._

 _Usagi's eyes closed, sending tears down her temple to meet the pillow, before she opened them to focus on the crescent moon beyond the window. "I know I'm far from perfect, Luna," she whispered hoarsely. "But is it really wrong to want to be loved for who I am now, and not someone I have to change to become?"_

 _Suddenly the conversation made sense, and Luna's own eyes started to burn. "Usagi-chan…"_

Haruka had ended it not long after, shattering Usagi's hope of even that.

 **She used to be someone you could depend on**

 **To bring a smile and chase your clouds away**

 **But the one she leaned upon**

 **Let her down, now has moved on**

 **And morning brings another empty day**

Whatever the cat was thinking about, it was noticeably upsetting. "Did you ever tell her you knew?"

Luna shook her head, both to dispel the memory and as a response. "I wanted to, afterwards; let her at least share her pain instead of carry it on her own. But I was afraid it would only have embarrassed her and made things worse." Was even more afraid that if Usagi had started going on about how unlovable she was the truth would have escaped unbidden.

Hearing the regret, Setsuna could guess what was left unsaid. "She wouldn't have accepted the real reason, Luna. You know that." She herself knew from experience. "You did the right thing."

"Then why do I hate myself for it?" Even more, watching the subject of their discussion make her way up the steps towards them, cheerful facade in place.

"Because you're torn," Setsuna soothed. "Between your duty to protect the Silver Millennium and your need to take away your loved one's pain." As much as she disapproved of what they'd done – for many reasons – Setsuna didn't care to see them suffer.

Serenity approached the pair with a bright smile. "Setsuna-san, it's good to see you. It's been a while."

"You, too, Your Majesty." Setsuna gave a slight bow. "Happy birthday."

"Arigato," Serenity dipped her chin. "But I've told you before: Usagi or Serenity. Anyone who had to deal with me as a bratty teenager is exempt from the formalities."

"Only if you dispense with the honorifics," Setsuna compromised. "We've been through enough together that they're not necessary." Granted, she was the only one who remembered most of it.

Nodding her agreement, Serenity turned to Luna. "You know you didn't have to do anything special. A dinner would have been fine."

A _dinner_? "It's a big milestone, Usagi-chan. We couldn't let it pass without properly celebrating." There was so little celebrating lately, without Chibiusa around.

Before the queen could argue Setsuna recaptured her attention. "How old are you now?"

"Setsuna!" Serenity put a hand to her chest in feigned shock. "Don't you know it isn't right to ask a lady her age?"

"Where are my manners?" Setsuna played along, then deadpanned, "Regardless, you don't look a day over twenty-two." There were definitely worse ages to spend eternity as.

"She rarely acts like it, either," Luna baited, brow lifted.

Serenity gave a muted smile. "Oh, Luna. You're always teasing."

Not even an ounce of indignation… "Go get freshened up," Luna instructed softly. "I had a dress made special for you."

The mask slipped, and suddenly Serenity looked a very _tired_ twenty-two-year-old. "It's been a long day, Luna. I was going to just stay for a bit and then go to bed."

Luna frowned. "All these people are here for you, Usagi-chan. Your family and old friends. Some from very far away." She'd really hoped she wouldn't have to resort to emotional blackmail.

"You're right," Serenity gave in with a tight nod. "Gomen."

As soon as the birthday girl was out of earshot Luna heaved a deep sigh. "I remember the days when the prospect of a party would have had her literally bouncing." Now she couldn't even muster excitement for one held in her honor.

"She's a queen now," Setsuna reasoned. "She has the fate of two kingdoms and a universe to occupy her."

As she had back then, only without the title. "You know it's not only that, Setsuna. It's as though she's given up and just become who she thinks she's expected to be." At least the 'bratty teenager' had possessed hope and joy and passion.

Setsuna hummed noncommittally. It would do no good to admit that this Neo-Queen Serenity was a pale imitation of the ones that had come before her.

 **Now she's only a broken down angel  
She's only a bird that's broke her wing  
She's only someone, someone who's gone wrong  
She's only a child that's lost her way**

After a while Usagi reappeared – looking composed and refreshed in bejeweled fuchsia – and began dutifully greeting those she hadn't gotten to before. Luna broke the uneasy silence with a quiet, "Was she truly happy?"

It was so low Setsuna had barely heard it over the music. "What do you mean?"

"In the original timeline," Luna clarified. "Before you intervened."

Setsuna's lips thinned at the characterization. "That was not the original timeline, Luna. That is why I _had to_ intervene."

Luna waved a dismissive paw. "You know what I mean."

Unfortunately. "What good could possibly come of me answering that question?" Curiosity and cats weren't known to go well together.

More bad than good, probably. But still… "I need to know."

Setsuna gave in with a sigh. "She was, until the consequences of her choice became undeniable and that same happiness became the cause of her misery."

 _Setsuna entered the war room as the representatives of the world's greatest leaders finished filing out, only Serenity, Endymion, and the prime minister of the moon remaining._

" _Gather the girls," Serenity told the captain who had entered after her. "We need to debrief and choose a location for tomorrow."_

 _The captain didn't move. "Your Highness?"_

 _Her attention back on the schematics laid across the table, Serenity gestured at him to go ahead._

" _Uh…" he hesitated, then spoke in a rush. "One of the scouting parties didn't return this morning. I didn't want to interrupt council…"_

 _Serenity's head shot up. "Which one?" Almost before the question had finished leaving her lips she seemed to think better of it, her hand going up to forestall him. "Never mind. It doesn't matter."_

 _Setsuna knew the uncrowned queen had realized that, regardless which group it was, it would have been led by one of her senshi._

 _Endymion made to move to Serenity but she stopped him with a look. "How long?"_

" _They were due to return two hours ago and they're not answering their comms." The captain's tone said that – to him at least – their fate was a foregone conclusion._

" _I just heard," Haruka announced as she entered the room, going directly to her wife. "I'll take my team back out to look for them."_

 _Relief appeared on Serenity's wrinkled features for just a second before it was replaced by guilt, then shame, then deliberate nothingness._

 _Endymion shook his head. "No, I'll go. You stay with Serenity."_

" _If anyone goes it'll be me," Serenity informed them tightly. "Send up the drones; I want current aerials and thermographs before we decide to put anyone else in danger. The mission is on hold until further notice."_

 _The captain nodded and left, the prime minister slipping out with him._

 _Serenity swayed and Endymion and Haruka moved to each support a side. Brushing them off she put her palms to the table to steady herself instead._

" _Koneko…"_

" _Can you go get the rest of the girls?" Serenity cut her off, voice dropping on 'rest.' "If they haven't heard yet I want to be the one to tell them."_

 _Haruka hesitated, looking worriedly between Serenity and Setsuna, before squeezing her wife's arm and placing a kiss to her temple. "I'll be right back."_

 _Serenity turned to her second-in-command. "You should go oversee the drones. I'll join you when I'm done here."_

 _Endymion nodded then followed Haruka out of the room._

" _Could it still work?" Serenity asked as soon as the doors had closed behind them._

 _Setsuna had guessed it was a ploy to get them alone; was not going to enjoy being right. "Serenity, you know I can't tell you that." Even if they went back to this morning and had all the senshi to enhance her powers it would still be a long shot._

" _It doesn't matter anyway, does it?" Serenity posited softly. "My parents and Luna and Artemis are gone, and they're probably the lucky ones. A third of the planet has either been killed or enslaved and we're ceding more ground to the enemy each day. The moon…"_

" _You need to hold yourself together," Setsuna interrupted, concerned by the tirade. "You know it's not good for your heart."_

" _My heart …" Looking at her aged reflection in the window, Serenity let loose a bitter scoff. "Sickness. Old age. War. Annihilation. Death is all I have to offer my people."_

" _Serenity…"_

 _Serenity put up a hand. "Is there really no other way to get the crystal to transform?"_

 _Setsuna shook her head. "I've explored all paths. As long as Haruka is in the picture your bond with Endymion is not strong enough for the Silver Crystal's final transformation." Without its power there was no Crystal Tokyo to convince the world to submit to her as sovereign, and without Endymion by her side they would fail to take her warnings seriously. But she knew all that already._

" _What about your last trip?" Serenity pressed. "If we pretend to be together? You said there was a chance they would still follow us."_

 _If it had been fruitful Setsuna wouldn't have waited to share the news, and she knew the queen knew that as well. Still, she hated to conclusively take away that last hope. "I was wrong. I'm sorry." No need to tell her she wasn't a good enough actor to pull it off in the long term; she carried enough guilt._

 _Serenity's eyes became glossy with unshed tears. "That my mother would unintentionally curse this world in wanting to save it. I really am her daughter after all."_

 _As much as Setsuna felt for the woman before her, she had to defend the original queen. "She had no reason to imagine that you and Endymion wouldn't reunite in this life. If she had…"_

" _You can go back and tell her to change it," Serenity suggested forcefully. "To not make the crystal's transformations dependent on our combined powers."_

 _Another conversation they'd had multiple times… "It's too far back, Serenity. Too much can be changed – can go wrong – and it would be infinitely harder to fix if it does." Things could end up being much worse._

" _I know. I'm just…" Serenity fell into her seat as though forced down by the weight of the world. "I've been selfish for far too long, Setsuna. I thought if we could find another way we could just go back and none of this would ever have happened." The fingers of her right hand toyed with the rings on her left. "But if it really is impossible then I'm allowing others to suffer for nothing."_

 _Putting her hand over the queen's Setsuna tried to lend her comfort. "You should not have to choose between your happiness and your people, Serenity. I can promise you that that was never your mother's intention."_

" _I know." Serenity gave her friend a sad smile. "That's what I get for being whimsical, hmm?"_

 _Setsuna was trying to think of a response when the queen stood abruptly and the contact was lost._

" _That's it then," Serenity declared with finality. "If the only way to make this right is to take Haruka out of the picture then that is what we must do."_

 _The sudden vehemence surprised Setsuna. "You want me to go back and keep it from happening?" It was a possibility they'd discussed but one the queen had rejected outright._

" _No!" A look of panic had taken over Serenity's features. "No… That's too much. I want you to tell her to end it."_

 _Setsuna considered it briefly. "Even if she would, I'm not sure that will be enough. Your feelings for Endymion will already have changed."_

" _It wasn't my feelings for Mamoru that were lacking," the queen shared after a moment. "If I believe she doesn't love me it will be enough."_

" _And if you don't believe it?" There were just too many 'ifs' for Setsuna's comfort._

 _Serenity gestured dismissively. "I will. At that time I was…" She trailed off, then forced a smile. "We were married before I stopped expecting her to realize she'd made a mistake."_

 _Though it was presented as a joke Setsuna knew it held more than a little truth. "Serenity, wouldn't it be better to…"_

" _I don't want her to blame my mother so you'll leave out the part about the crystal," Serenity spoke over her, beginning to gather up the table's now unnecessary papers. "We'll figure out the rest of the details tomorrow."_

" _You want to wait until tomorrow?" Setsuna would be lying if she said she wasn't afraid the queen would change her mind before then._

 _Serenity's hands stilled, and when she looked up from her task the previous determination was nowhere to be found. "Setsuna, I can't…" She swallowed hard before she continued, her voice weak and pleading. "I need one last night with her, okay?"_

 _It would mean nothing: afterwards neither would have ever lived it, much less remember it, but Setsuna nodded her pitying acquiescence all the same._

 **She used to be someone you could rely on**

 **To brighten up your coldest winter day  
But now she bears a cross**

 **For a love that she has lost  
And every day's another shade of grey**

Setsuna pulled herself from the memory, one of many she wished she did not carry. "I understand your predicament because I shared it, Luna. I considered disregarding Serenity's directive and going back further, to before they began their relationship, in order to save everyone the heartbreak." She'd discovered in her travels that if the outer senshi challenged Sailor Moon for dominance the princess wouldn't ask them to stay; it would've been quite simple to put the idea in Uranus' head.

"But you didn't," Luna stated the obvious.

"No." Though sometimes Setsuna was tempted to regret it. "As long as Serenity still loved Endymion enough to ensure the revival of the Silver Millennium it wasn't my place to overrule her choice. Not when _her_ predicament was partly my fault."

Luna shifted her attention from the festivities to the senshi of time and space. "What do you mean?"

Avoiding the feline's gaze Setsuna licked suddenly dry lips. "Haven't you ever wondered how things changed so drastically?"

"I just assumed Chibiusa's efforts to keep her parents apart had succeeded." As shortsighted as that would have been of her… It was the only major difference to the timeline that Luna could see.

"If that were the case it would have been undone when she failed to be born." And as a result they would have been trapped in a paradox… "Small Lady's presence did build upon it, but the foundation had already been laid."

Luna's brow furrowed. "Then I don't understand." What else could it have been?

Apparently settling in for story time, the guardian took one of the thrones and Setsuna followed, taking the other. "There was a timeline before the one you know as the second, where Eudial attacked Uranus and Neptune for their talismans but Sailor Moon wasn't there to retrieve them. I had two choices: surrender my talisman to save Uranus and Neptune but risk the Holy Grail falling into the hands of the enemy, or do nothing and hope we could recover the talismans and summon the Holy Grail before the battle against Mistress 9." Without Super Sailor Moon and the Messiah of Peace it was almost certain defeat.

Neither of those sounded like particularly promising options… "What did you do?"

"It doesn't matter." That was another memory Setsuna didn't care to revisit. "So I went back, to when the Death Busters first appeared, simply to observe. To see why the timeline had been altered."

"And?" Usagi had finished making the rounds and was now stationed at the buffet with some friends. At least some things hadn't changed, though Luna hoped she'd avoid the alcohol as her tolerance hadn't gotten any better since her first experience.

"At first everything appeared normal. As it should have been, with the two groups at odds over the pure hearts." It had been hard to witness, actually, without stepping in and revealing the truth about the talismans… "Until that day at the race track, where rather than get off the bus to wait with Usagi for the next one, the girls left her there on her own."

Luna knew exactly which day she meant because Usagi had returned home gushing about the progress she'd felt she'd made with Uranus (and uncharacteristically little whining about having been abandoned). "When the girls arrived back at the shrine they said Mamoru had declared her old enough to find her own way home." She couldn't really blame him, though – she probably would've had the same reaction to the girl missing the bus for some typical Usagi silliness.

At the time Pluto had noticed that the prince seemed to be less enamored of the princess but she never would have guessed that he was responsible for the shift. Of course knowing what she knew now, it was far less shocking. "She _was_ old enough, and she _did_ find her own way. With Haruka." And they'd ended up joining forces to fight the tire daimon. "Something happened between them that day that affected Uranus. Made her begin to question the mission and her methods."

Uranus' team _had_ been less hostile after that, though that wasn't saying much. "How could that possibly be a bad thing?" Bad _enough_ that they hadn't averted the Silence?

"Because she saw it as weakness," Setsuna stated simply. "Haruka suppressed a lot of herself as Uranus; to be able to do the things she thought the mission required of her. She hated that Sailor Moon had been able to get inside her head, because her growing hesitation to sacrifice the holders of pure hearts put the mission – as she understood it – in jeopardy. Especially when the Death Busters targeted a girl who, despite her best efforts, she'd really grown quite fond of." Uranus swore she would've been able to let Usagi die if she'd had to, but Pluto wasn't so certain. "To find out that Sailor Moon _was_ Usagi was like a double betrayal. Haruka became extra cruel to compensate for that weakness, assaulting the girl and stealing her transformation brooch."

Luna remembered that: Usagi's tears as she recounted the story when she'd finally collapsed into bed that night, Grail on the nightstand. "The aquarium. The day they were summoned by Eudial." It was a good thing Usagi was so forgiving because if it had been Luna she wouldn't even have been able to be _friends_ after that…

"Haruka didn't think Usagi would be foolish enough to follow without the ability to transform, even if she _did_ know where they were going." A blatantly flawed assumption that made Setsuna suspect she'd been trying to protect the girl as much as keep her from getting in the way, though it was something her friend had never admitted to.

Clearly Haruka hadn't known Usagi very well at that point… "That was the first time you showed yourself. To tell Usagi where to find them."

Something Pluto would normally never do… "I had no choice – I'd seen how it would end if Sailor Moon didn't possess the Holy Grail." Any new future her actions may have triggered couldn't possibly have been worse than the one she'd left behind. "It didn't happen quite the way it was supposed to but the result was fortunately the same. _Un_ fortunately, Usagi's reckless bravery that day only further complicated Haruka's feelings towards her." Appearing like an angel as they lay dying hadn't helped, either.

If that was why Setsuna felt responsible, Luna failed to see it. "She barely seemed _grateful_ , much less conflicted. She told Sailor Moon that the outer senshi alone could find the Messiah of Peace and to stay out of their way." The two teams _still_ at odds, with her current companion the reticent go-between.

"Haruka was no more comfortable with those feelings than she had been before, and it was easier for her to keep Sailor Moon at arm's length while she focused on averting the Silence than have to address them." And Usagi had provided the perfect justification by ignoring her repeated warnings about Hotaru. "Secretly she had great faith that Sailor Moon would prevail, though – so much so that Michiru commented on it – but having wrongly deduced that the princess was _not_ the messiah, she just wasn't prepared to risk the world on the strength of that conviction."

Even assuming she was right, "You had told Haruka that Usagi asking them to stay was what changed the future. If she was still being treated poorly why would she ask now but not then?" Haruka's change of heart couldn't have affected her decision if she hadn't seen it.

It was a little more complicated than Setsuna had led Haruka to believe for the sake of brevity, and not on that point alone. "Usagi actually never had the opportunity to ask them. In the original timeline Uranus lacked that faith; she couldn't forgive Sailor Moon for handing over the Holy Grail, even though in the end it had proven to be the right choice, and as soon as Pharaoh 90 was defeated she and Neptune left Tokyo with baby Saturn."

"This time they gave the baby back to her father and stayed when Usagi asked them." Luna understood now why Pluto felt partially responsible. "But even if she asked them to stay, Usagi still loved Mamoru." That much she knew for sure.

Lack of love was not the issue. "Pharaoh 90's defeat may have improved Usagi's confidence in her leadership ability but it did the opposite with regards to her relationship. While fighting the Death Busters had temporarily brought them closer together, with the Silence averted they soon returned to their everyday lives, and when being with her seemed to become a chore again she found comfort in someone who actually enjoyed her company." Pluto had spent many an hour in the future with the other Serenity, going over the progression of her relationship with Haruka in (unsuccessfully) trying to find a way to save both it and her people. "You have to understand: at that time the years between them were like an ocean in terms of maturity and aspirations. A love that was once forbidden and exciting was instead pre-determined and restricting." Obviously more for Endymion than for Usagi.

Luna wasn't surprised; she'd had plenty of time over the years to formulate her own theories. "You said Chibiusa played a part. I assume her being around didn't help their already strained relationship." That had been fairly easy to see.

The child _had_ played a part, though through no fault of her own. "The majority of what time the couple _did_ spend together included Small Lady, doing nothing to dispel Usagi's fear that Endymion preferred their daughter to her. Well-founded or not, it made her feel even further disconnected from him and more open to exploring her resurfaced attraction to Haruka." The one that had merely been repressed when she'd found out the mysterious sandy-haired racer was in fact a girl.

Though Luna had shared Mamoru's frustration with Usagi's jealousy of their daughter, she saw now how it had been mostly due to the girl's fueled insecurities. She realized she really hadn't given her charge enough credit for _still_ trying to be a proper mother despite being mostly a child herself… "What about Haruka? She and Michiru didn't have any problems." That was the one part she hadn't been able to figure out.

Setsuna sighed at the reminder. "Before Uranus 'awoke,' Haruka rejected the mission; she didn't want to have to let innocent people die, much less give up her dreams to do it. To have to be the ruthless one besides – holding a hard line when in reality she shared Michiru's reluctance – wore her down and turned her cold out of necessity." It had taken Setsuna a long time to be willing to listen to her friend's side of the story. Longer still to accept that no one had intended it to happen. "Originally Haruka was drawn to Usagi because she was pure and optimistic and enthusiastic. Nothing like them. And _unlike them_ , she refused to compromise her values in the name of being a senshi. If not for her striving to hold them all to the same standard, Haruka felt she would have lost herself to the mission." And to a certain extent she wasn't wrong.

"That sounds like gratitude, not love." In the present, someone had dragged Usagi out onto the floor and the queen seemed to be sporting a genuine smile as the group did a silly dance.

"It was a lot of things – gratitude, affection, and admiration amongst them – that _became_ love once they were no longer on opposing sides. Whether it was because her relationship with Michuru had revolved around the mission, or because Usagi expected nothing less, with the princess Haruka felt more free to be who she wanted to be. More like who she was _before_ Uranus awoke." Setsuna thought it had simply been an illusion but what she thought didn't really matter.

So she loved them both… "Michiru is Haruka's soul mate – why would she choose Usagi?"

"I don't know for certain," Setsuna admitted. "Maybe we aren't limited to one and Uranus and Serenity had never discovered each other as such because they'd never been together _long enough_ to: during the Silver Millennium it wasn't often the outer senshi visited the Moon Kingdom, and in this century, in the original timeline, they were separated not by distance but by _differences_ , in leadership style and ideology." Still, they had always been the closest between the two groups. That could easily have been because they were the respective leaders, though… "Or maybe in these incarnations everyone is changed just enough that that's changed too." Neither alternative would bring Michiru any consolation, though, so Setsuna hadn't bothered exploring it further.

"You think Usagi and Haruka are soul mates?" It was a possibility Luna had considered but not one she'd expected to hear from Setsuna of all people.

Confirming that aloud would feel a disloyalty to her friend so Setsuna wouldn't. "I thought it a phase; a perfect storm that would pass just as quickly. But the more it persisted the more I came to accept that they shared a bond beyond being brought together by unintended circumstances." And only then had she been able to forgive Haruka her betrayal of Michiru.

All Luna's questions had been answered, though those answers had produced the need for a new one: "Did they ever find each other? In the original timeline?" She was strangely invested, as if it would justify their being together in this one.

Setsuna shook her head. "Without Haruka to lead her astray Usagi simply waited for Endymion to come around. While they would never recapture what they'd had in their first lives, for the most part they were happy." Though she'd hid it well the queen had always wondered if the king was with her because he wanted to be or because he _had_ to be. Setsuna couldn't imagine it wouldn't be the same here as well; wasn't sure if Serenity wanting to be elsewhere herself made it easier to accept or _harder_ … "That's why it's so important not to interfere in any way. Even the smallest deviation can cause a domino effect that no one had anticipated. And once the course has been diverted it is very difficult to find the original path again."

 **Now she's only a broken down angel  
She's only a bird that's broke her wing  
She's only someone, someone who's gone wrong  
She's only a child that's lost her way**

 _Setsuna pulled her friend aside. "Are you certain you want to do this, Haruka? You can still change your mind."_

 _Haruka waved a dismissive hand. "I was invited, wasn't I? It would be rude not to."_

" _I believe Ami was responsible for the invitations..." The princess hadn't cared for the planning part, her only requirement that anyone who wanted to attend be able. "Usagi probably doesn't even know."_

" _And she won't know I'm here, either," Haruka countered. "Your condition, remember?"_

 _Setsuna cursed the guilt that had allowed her to be talked into it at all. "Then why, Haruka? Why put yourself through this?"_

 _Haruka slipped in amongst a group and into the Hikawa Shrine without answering._

 _Sighing, Setsuna followed and sat in the last row beside the sandy-haired girl. "Haruka, this is not wise." For so many reasons._

" _Too late now," Haruka shrugged._

 _It wasn't long before the sanctuary was filled with the friends and family and fans of Tokyo's most notorious heroes and the wedding was set to begin. Usagi soon emerged wearing a white kimono with blue and red designs, reminiscent of her sailor fuku, her golden hair absent its usual buns._

 _Haruka breathed in sharply, then ducked down to avoid the bride's gaze which had turned to the guests._

 _Setsuna stifled a laugh. "Are you trying to get caught?"_

" _No," Haruka immediately denied. "I just… she's stunning."_

 _Even though it had momentarily taken her mind off the gravity of the situation, Setsuna felt bad for being amused and she took her friend's hand in her own. Her grip grew tighter as Haruka grew more agitated through Rei performing the purification ceremony then food offerings then prayers. She braced herself when the nuptial cups made an appearance, knowing the vows weren't far behind._

" _Kuso!" Reclaiming her hand, Haruka stood. "I can't."_

 _Setsuna whispered apologies to the people near her as she excused herself to exit the hall far more gracefully than her friend had thirty seconds before her. She caught up at the tree line where Haruka had paused to wait for her. "Are you okay?" She wouldn't say 'I told you so;' the woman was tormented enough already._

" _Haruka!"_

 _They turned to see Usagi jump down the shrine steps, almost tripping on the fabric of her kimono in her haste._

 _Haruka cursed again, under her breath, before calling out, "Go back inside, Usagi."_

 _With the girl closing the distance Setsuna had to think quickly. "Your wedding drew so many guests that it's stifling inside – we were just coming to get some air."_

 _Usagi ignored Setsuna completely in favor of her ex-lover. "Why are you here?"_

" _I was invited," Haruka shrugged, reusing the same excuse._

" _Then why did you leave?" was Usagi's immediate retort._

 _Clearly the princess hadn't bought Setsuna's story, and Haruka's flailing around for an answer only further hurt their credibility. Still, the princess seemed reluctant to trust her instincts._

 _Usagi reached out to touch Haruka, withdrawing at the last second to bury her fists in her kimono instead. "Tell me not to do it. Tell me not to marry him." Her tone was surprisingly even._

 _Haruka shook her head. "I can't do that. You have to marry him."_

" _Why?" Usagi demanded. "I can see you don't want me to." Seeming to lose her confidence she quietly added, "Unless I'm imagining it. Hoping it. Am I?"_

 _There was still a chance they could get out of this without undoing everything; all Haruka had to do was say 'yes.'_

" _You're not," Haruka replied hoarsely after a moment's hesitation. "You're not imagining it."_

" _Haruka…" Setsuna groaned._

 _Fabric still clenched between her fingers, Usagi moved so close she had to look up to see Haruka's face. "Then why?"_

 _Setsuna knew that even if Usagi married Mamoru now the damage was done and the crystal would not transform; that she would have to go back – again – and keep Haruka from the wedding. For everyone's sake. "Because there are terrible consequences if you don't, Usagi."_

 _Haruka cast Setsuna a grateful glance._

" _I don't care," Usagi vowed stubbornly._

" _You do care." Cupping her cheek Haruka tried to make her understand. "My love, you're the one who asked me to leave you."_

 _Usagi's brow furrowed. "Nani?"_

 _Luna had joined them now, and Mamoru and the others had gathered outside to watch the drama unfold._

" _Future you," Haruka explained. "Serenity."_

" _No," Usagi denied with an incredulous shake of the head. "It's not possible. I would never…"_

" _You do, Usagi," Setsuna interjected softly. "To save the Earth and its people."_

 _Usagi kept her watery eyes on Haruka, her hand moving to death grip the one on her face. "That can't be right. There must be some other way." Turning to Setsuna, she began to beg. "Setsuna-san, you can find another way. You have to find another way!"_

 _Setsuna would be rich if she had a yen for every time the pig-headed, bun-headed queen had pled for the same; would give it all up to be able to give her a different answer. "I'm sorry, Usagi. We've tried. There is none."_

" _It's not right. It's not fair!" Usagi looked beseechingly between Setsuna and Luna. "How can loving each other be bad?!" It came out a choked sob._

 _Luna closed her eyes. "Usagi-chan…"_

" _I shouldn't have come," Haruka admitted through her own tears. "I'm sorry, Koneko."_

" _No!" Usagi yelled, trying to hold on as Haruka pulled away. "RUKA!" When her sandy-haired love disappeared into the trees the bride dropped to her knees, sobbing._

 _There was a chorus of 'Usagi-chan!' and 'Usagi!' from the senshi as they rushed to their fallen leader._

 _Setsuna shared a look of pained regret with Luna before following her friend._

 **She used to be a girl of simple pleasure**

 **A breath of spring to chase your blues away**

 **But since she gave herself**

 **Not for love, but only wealth**

 **The shine in her eyes has blown away**

The wedding. Crystal Tokyo's Inaugural. A chance meeting on the streets of Paris where Serenity was appearing before world leaders and Haruka was preparing for a race… "Every time they met, Serenity realized the truth and it ended badly." Not necessarily for them, but always for the world.

Luna blinked in surprise. "Are you saying you've gone back more than the once?" It was so strange to think of the things that had happened and yet _hadn't_ , Pluto the only one to remember them.

"It was never Haruka's intention, and they did their best to keep it from affecting the future, but the result was always the same." Setsuna had lost count somewhere, unsure if they were on timeline seven or eight. "Finally I had to tell Haruka to just stay away completely unless she was needed for battle." And even then they had to be very careful.

"Didn't Usagi ever figure it out by herself?" Deep down Luna already knew the answer but her companion's shake of the head still felt like a kick in the ribs. "She thinks so little of herself that the possibility never occurred to her."

"That's by design, Luna," Setsuna soothed in response to the pain in the guardian's voice. "I went to great lengths to make sure she had no reason to doubt the story. Arranging for pictures of Haruka and Michiru in the media. Telling her how happy they are whenever I visit."

Luna's eyes narrowed. "You lied to _make_ her feel that way?" She hadn't been privy to those conversations; would have said something if she had. "How could you be so _cruel_?"

It wasn't like Setsuna _enjoyed_ it. Even though she wasn't as close with this Serenity as she had been with the second (or even the _first_ ), it hurt her to intentionally hurt someone she still remembered as a friend. "It was a necessary evil. If she realized the truth on her own – _without_ outside influence – there would be little I could do to fix it." And then it would all have been for naught, the only option left the one thing Serenity had refused to even consider.

Unable to dispute that, Luna quietly declared, "It's still horrible." Necessity was cold comfort.

Setsuna didn't disagree. "Luna, she knew what it would mean when she made her decision; that this was the only way she would be able to remember their relationship."

Luna wondered if Usagi would make the same decision now, having lived the consequences of it.

Another weighty silence fell as the pair watched the queen dance with her father, and this time it was Setsuna's turn to break it. "How do you know I'm lying?"

"Uh…" Luna tried to come up with a plausible explanation for what she'd let slip in anger… "Lucky guess?"

"I see where Serenity gets her lying skills from," Setsuna offered wryly.

Not wanting to get anyone in trouble, Luna hemmed a bit before revealing, "Haruka came to the coronation."

Setsuna sighed. "I'm not surprised; she's as good at listening as she is at losing." And seemed to have quite the masochistic streak as well… "Wait… I was here for the coronation."

"Not the party," Luna corrected. "In the crowd. At the public ceremony."

 _Luna darted across the plaza and through the legs of the many revelers in hot pursuit of the sandy-haired senshi. "Haruka-san!"_

 _Haruka stopped and turned back. "Luna. How did you know I was here?"_

" _You're tall and imposing," Luna fibbed, jumping up on a nearby wall. "You stand out amongst the crowd." No need to admit she'd also been watching._

" _I happened to be in the area practicing and decided to stop by." Haruka's gaze went to the stage where the ceremony had just ended. "It's quite surreal, klutzy Odango Atama being crowned sovereign of the planet."_

" _It is her destiny," Luna justified, with just a trace of regret._

 _Sadness took over Haruka's features but was quickly replaced by restrained anger. "The people seem to agree."_

 _Luna couldn't blame the woman for hating those responsible for breaking them up, or help but take it as a good sign that she still did._

 _After a moment the anger was gone, too, leaving Haruka expressionless. "Being pregnant suits her. She looks happy."_

" _She's putting on a brave face," Luna shared, a subtle rejoinder to both statements. "She spent the first four months too sick to eat, complains constantly about discomfort, and is counting down the days until the end." Waiting a beat she deadpanned, "We no longer wonder why Chibusa is an only child."_

 _Haruka cracked a smile. "I'm sure she'll be an excellent mother all the same."_

 _Doing her best to sound like it was mere curiosity, Luna changed the subject. "And Michiru? Is she not with you?"_

" _No," Haruka shook her head. "She's apprenticing with a famous painter somewhere in the south of Italy."_

 _Somewhere? Luna feigned disinterest though she was anything but. "Oh? Are you not together anymore?"_

 _Haruka paused, seeming to consider her response. "Not for a while. She wanted to settle down; grew tired of sharing me with my other love."_

 _Luna released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "You mean racing, right?"_

" _Of course," Haruka agreed, almost too readily. "What else would I mean?"_

 _Guilt for being pleased at someone else's pain made a momentary appearance. "I'm sorry, Haruka-san." It wasn't that Luna didn't want her to be happy; she just wished the same for Usagi, and there appeared to be only one way that would happen._

" _Don't be, neko," Haruka dismissed with a flick of her wrist. "I can't blame her for wanting more out of life than what little I'm able to give her."_

 _Luna felt more than heard the regret. "We're having a celebration at the palace. You should come." Usagi was queen and Chibiusa was on the way – what harm could possibly come of it?_

 _Haruka looked about to accept, then shook her head. "Thank you for the invitation but I really should be going. I'm preparing for a big race."_

 _There were no races coming up – big or small – that Haruka was participating in; Luna kept track because she knew Usagi did. "Haruka-san…"_

" _Good-bye, Luna," Haruka waved over her shoulder._

" _She follows your career, you know," Luna blurted out, panicked. "She has a scrapbook of all the articles written about you and your victories." She shouldn't have shared that; wasn't even supposed to know about it herself._

 _Haruka stopped but it was a good thirty seconds before she turned. "You know."_

 _It was too late to go back so Luna just gave a somber nod._

 _Returning to her previous position Haruka glared at Luna. "Then you know why I can't go to see her, as much as I may want to."_

 _Maybe they couldn't be together now, but… "She still loves you, Haruka. And as soon as it's safe…"_

" _It will never be safe," Haruka cut her off harshly. "The world will always need her more than I do."_

 _Ignoring the woman's anger Luna offered a soft, "I don't think that's true." If it were Haruka wouldn't be there, this many years later, just for a glimpse of the love she'd been forced to give up._

 _Haruka studied Luna for a moment, eyes narrowed. "Fine. But the consequences will always be devastating if she chooses me."_

" _No," Luna immediately argued. "We have eternity now. I have to believe that someday…"_

" _YAMETE!" Haruka's fist slammed down on the wall before she visibly deflated. "Please, Luna. I gave up hope a long time ago, resigned to the fact that I can only ever love her from afar. Don't make this harder than it already is."_

 _As Haruka disappeared into the thronging masses Luna cried for them both._

 **Now she's only a broken down angel**

 **She's only a bird that's broke her wing  
She's only someone, someone who's gone wrong**

 **She's only a child that's lost her way**

So that's where the cat had disappeared to… "And she just told you she was no longer with Michiru?"

Luna shrugged, playing down her part. "Someone telling the truth. Strange, I know."

Setsuna ignored the jab; refrained from pointing out that the guardian had apparently known the truth all these years and yet hadn't seen fit to enlighten her charge. She was too busy wondering if maybe Haruka had subconsciously wanted Serenity to find out…

"I invited her back to the palace," Luna announced, somewhat defiantly.

"Luna!" Setsuna admonished. "If Haruka had accepted it could have messed everything up." _Again._

Luna knew that but she wouldn't apologize. "Usagi and Mamoru love each other but it's not the same as it was in the Silver Millennium, or even the first future. It's tainted." She'd hoped it would correct itself once Haruka had left Tokyo but it had soon become apparent that too much had happened for it to ever _be_ the same. "She deserves to be happy, Setsuna. They all do."

The queen had excused herself from the dance floor and was getting a drink; though the king was in attendance they had yet to be seen together aside from a perfunctory greeting. This Serenity didn't confide in Setsuna the way the original had, but the disconnect was clear enough to anyone who looked… Eyes still on the room she deduced, "You wanted to make sure Haruka didn't give up on her."

It sounded childish, and selfish, put like that. "I just thought that once the enemy was defeated…" Luna paused. "That _was_ the enemy that we defeated, right?"

Setsuna nodded. It was 'the' enemy that had prompted Serenity to make a decision, but it certainly wasn't the last they would face.

The confirmation was bittersweet, in that Serenity's sacrifice wasn't in vain but that the victory hadn't seemed to change anything… "I guess I thought they would be free to find their way back to each other."

The sadness was palpable, and Setsuna felt it safe to voice the suspicion she'd been nurturing since her arrival: "This party isn't just for Serenity's birthday, is it? You were hoping it would lure Haruka here."

Luna sighed, not so much at being caught as at having _failed_. "I assumed if it was 'safe' you would have brought her."

"Oh, Luna," Setsuna hummed.

"Don't." Luna couldn't take any judgment – or _pity_ – right now. "I have spent decades listening to Usagi cry when she thinks no one can hear her. Seen her give more fake smiles than any one person should ever have to give. Stood by and allowed her to believe that the only love she's worthy of receiving wasn't earned at all but was dictated by destiny."

"Luna…"

"I can't do it anymore," Luna preempted whatever pep talk or lecture was coming next; forged ahead before she lost her nerve. "Either you go back and tell Haruka to say 'no' to staying or I tell Usagi the truth tonight, whatever the consequences. I don't care anymore." She couldn't believe Serenity would have chosen this life for herself had she really known, and even if she _would_ , it was Luna's duty to protect her, even from herself.

Understanding the guardian's pain, Setsuna decided to pretend she _hadn't_ just been given an ultimatum… "Luna!" She reached out and gently turned the cat's head. "Hush for a second and look."

Luna's head swiveled from where Haruka could be seen entering the ballroom back to her companion. "For real?" she breathed. "Is it safe?"

Setsuna smiled. "What happened to 'whatever the consequences?'"

Honestly, Luna had really hoped Setsuna would have picked the first option because she wasn't sure she'd have been able to go through with the second… Directing her attention back to Haruka she half wondered, half accused, "You said there was no way for them to be together."

"I said there was no way for them to be together _in the past_ ," Setsuna corrected. "I started exploring alternate realities again when I realized they weren't going to put it behind them so easily." Luna wasn't the only one tired of watching them suffer. "This isn't quite the way I saw it happening but the timing is similar, and I thought the queen should have something nice for her birthday."

"So you don't actually know if it's safe?" Luna didn't even care if she was being upstaged in the gift department as long as it was for real.

Considering the ultimatum wasn't even five minutes old, the cat's preoccupation with 'safe' only proved Setsuna's belief that she was all bluff and no bite… "Luna, it's a future that hasn't happened yet – even if I knew I couldn't tell you." Of course Pluto knew; she wasn't one to take chances with the future or the world. But whereas what had already happened (or hadn't happened _anymore_ , as the case may be) was fair game, talking about what had yet to come was strictly taboo.

"Wait…" Luna turned to Setsuna, eyes narrowed. "You said before that you were alone." Had she put her through all that hell for nothing?

"I _was_ alone, at that moment. I wasn't going to wait in line for a security check." One of the few benefits of her job. "If you'd asked me if I'd _come_ alone…"

" _Setsuna_ …" Luna growled.

Setsuna laughed. "It was a _surprise_ , Luna. Now do you want to ruin it or are you going to cue the band?" She gestured to where Haruka had reached the other side of the room and was sure to spot the queen at any second.

Luna tilted her head with feigned confusion. "What do you mean?"

Denying the urge to roll her eyes, Setsuna settled for a teasing, "You dressed her in a fancier version of the gown she wore the first time they danced – I feel confident in assuming that the right twitch of your meddling little tail will set a waltz playing."

If Luna had been capable of blushing she would have. "How do you know? You weren't there." Neither was _she,_ but it was all Usagi had talked about for a week.

"I _was_ there," Setsuna reminded her. "Observing."

Right – Pluto from the second timeline. "How do you keep everything straight?"

Setsuna groaned. "Magic. Now stop wasting time or you're going to miss it."

Luna gave the appropriate yowl (they were too far from the band for a tail twitch to be visible) and the music switched over to a waltz just as Haruka approached Usagi from behind.

The shock on the queen's face when she turned was obvious even from where they sat, and she continued to just stare even after Haruka had bowed and held out her arm.

"She doesn't know what to do. It's been forever since she's seen Haruka outside of battle." Luna was starting to worry Usagi was broken when Rei moved forward to nudge her friend. "Strange…"

"Mars is psychic," Setsuna offered as Haruka led Serenity by the hand through the other couples to an open spot at the center, the younger woman moving like she was in a trance. "Perhaps she knows."

"Or maybe she just sees an opportunity to get Mamoru for herself," Luna joked. "That rivalry has spanned the ages."

And all of the worlds Pluto had visited as well… It took a bit of coaxing on Haruka's part to get the pair going, but once they began they quickly found the rhythm and were soon dancing as gracefully and as in sync as they had the first time.

Luna happily watched the display along with many of the room's occupants. The motion must have pulled Usagi of her stupor because Luna could see her lips moving. After some back-and-forth she seemed to get agitated. "Uh-oh. That's her 'I don't believe what you're saying' head shake."

"I told Haruka not to tell her the truth until they were alone," Setsuna sighed. "That girl never listens."

"I don't think she had a choice. Usagi probably demanded an…" All of a sudden Usagi pulled away and slapped Haruka, and it might have been Luna's imagination filling it in but she could swear she heard the sound over the music. "… _explanation_."

 **Now she's only a broken down angel**

 **She's only a bird that's broke her wing  
She's only someone, someone who's gone wrong**

 **She's only a child that's lost her way**

Luna lowered her head in secondhand embarrassment. "She just found out she's been lied to most of her life - it could have been worse." Especially with the power of the crystal at her fingertips.

Gesturing back to the pair Setsuna chastised, "You had to say that…" Haruka had grabbed the queen's arm to keep her from fleeing and guards had immediately descended upon the now-motionless pair. Thankfully after a tense moment of the sandy-haired woman scowling at them, looking ready to fight, Serenity said something and they stood down.

Usagi's chin fell to her chest, Luna thought (hoped) of shame over what she'd just done, and the petite girl's frame began to visibly quiver. "She's crying. I should…"

Setsuna belayed the cat with a loose grip. "Haruka can handle it." And handle it she did, cupping the queen's face to force eye contact, her other hand tenderly wiping away tears as she spoke.

Luna realized what Haruka had been whispering when Usagi's hopeful gaze sought them out. She turned her own hopeful gaze to her companion, still afraid to believe it was real.

"Haruka probably should have started with that part," Setsuna noted wryly. No sooner had she given an encouraging nod than Serenity had launched herself into the other woman's arms.

"Yokatta!" Luna gasped, then laughed through her own tears when Usagi suddenly jerked away, looking around frantically. "I think Haruka just reminded her where they are." The pair started to dance again, and the smile her charge wore, a genuine one that lit up the room, made Luna's heart hurt with joy.

The other senshi found partners and joined them, the dance floor quickly filling. "I've told Haruka," Setsuna began quietly, "and I would suggest you tell our queen, that it would be wise to keep their relationship discreet for now."

Luna blinked, the words like a bucket of ice cold water had been dumped on her. "Is that a warning?" She couldn't have let Luna enjoy the moment a little while longer?

Setsuna shook her head. "Merely some advice based on my observations. The public will be more accepting if it comes out gradually, giving them time to adjust to the idea."

That was going to be a problem… "Usagi won't agree with keeping it from her people." Not to mention Mamoru would have to go along with it.

"Luna, many of those people would rather have their queen unhappy than have to change their view of what she _should_ be." It wasn't right, but that was the way it was.

"I know. You're right." Out of the corner of her eye Luna saw the king leave the room. "It won't be easy, will it?"

"No," Setsuna allowed softly before turning to the cat with a reassuring smile. "But I'm certain they'll figure it out."

* * *

 **So this was my compromise on angsty vs happy ending, seeing as I don't do happy lol**

 **Hope you enjoyed the series :)**


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